Look What You Made Me Do

Hey thanks to everybody who left a comment on that last post. I'd put you all on the payroll except I have no cash. I liked reading about how people first found out about the book though. It was like watching a Behind the Music special about myself after I'd just died. And it's good to know I'm on the recommended list over at Chuck Palahniuk's site. I was supposed to stalk him up in Portland and see if I could get him to say something nice about Apathy but I was way too afraid. I figured I'd just start crying if I met him. Yeah that story Guts still hurts my feelings. I get a little sad every time I go swimming, but I have started eating a lot more carrots, so I guess that's something.

But check it out, I set up a Facebook page because you told me to. Unfortunately I have no idea how to work it. Am I supposed to join a network or something? Is there any way I can just let everybody see it or what do you do with this nonsense? Right now I'm in the San Francisco network I think, and I put the first chapter of the book up, but I have no idea how to link to it and I have no friends. I am humiliated.

I've got a MySpace page and I put the first chapter up there too. It looks like there might be a reading or two coming up this summer. I'll let you know when I get some details. And the book comes out in paperback tomorrow, so I might actually put a post up two days in a row. Unprecedented..........Paul

Me And Naked People

Yeah I'm still sleeping on my friend's couch but I think I want to live in Berkeley for the summer and maybe longer. It seems like a weird enough scene and all the homeless people are really nice. That's what I look for when I'm deciding where to live. This way I know it'll be easy to make friends whenever I get evicted again.

A few weekends back I did this thing called Bay to Breakers in San Francisco. It's a 12 km race but nobody actually runs it except for a few guys from Kenya. Everybody else gets dressed up in ridiculous costumes and throws tortillas and pulls booze wagons and gets wrecked as they walk down the street. It's like a big parade of nonsense. I started with a backpack full of beer and about three minutes in a random girl came off the sidewalk and slapped a nametag on my chest that said "Crack Whore". That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day.

I saw guys in banana suits being chased by somebody in a gorilla costume, and I saw a bunch of people in jean cutoffs carrying a "Nevernude: 'There are literally dozens of us!'" banner which made me happy for the rest of the day. And there was a lot of naked people walking around too. My friend had warned me about it, but the first one I actually saw was when I was watching these guys pour shots down the huge block of ice they were towing and when one of them said "Who's next?" I heard somebody yell "Give it to the naked guy!" And sure enough there was a full blown naked dude standing there with no pants on and everything. He had to squat down to do the shot and it was like the sum total of every horrific car accident I've ever seen. Yeesh. There were a couple of naked women walking around but one of them was really old, so that pretty much cancelled out everybody else. She was also very proud of her hairless body, and I got hit with an utterly full frontal shot as I turned around, so I'll be dealing with those flashbacks for the rest of my goddamn life. christ.

There was a guy holding a sign that said "God Hates Drunkards, Fornicaters" and a bunch of other stuff that people were either already doing or were obviously planning to do, and he just stood there in the middle of the street as everyone streamed past him. Because there's really no better way to spread Jesus's message of love than to tell your listeners how much his dad already hates them. As I was going past a bunch of people started throwing tortillas at him, which was the kind of absurd stoning that you'd have to think Jesus would get a kick out of, no matter what denomination he really is. It was a good time all around.

But hey now, Apathy is coming out in paperback later this month and I need to figure out how to make more people read it so I don't have to get another temp job and be sad all the time, so where did all of you hear about it and what made you pick it up in the first place? I'm guessing "Max Barry" is the answer to both of those questions for a lot of people--God bless that guy, every day--but where else, and how can I exploit that to make more people do the same? Basically I want you to come up with a guerilla marketing plan for me so I don't have to do it myself. I'm too busy marching in naked parades to do that kind of thing. I thought about organizing a National I Don't Care About Anything Day where employees just sleep in the bathroom at work and get nothing done, but I feel like most people already do that anyway. Steal A Salt Shaker Day was another idea, or June could be Get Framed For A Deaf Lady's Murder month, but I feel like I might get in trouble for that one.........Paul

I'm Out

I've had a job for almost two months in a row now so it's time to quit and go on vacation. I'm headed over to Ireland to see my people and then I'm going to take some cheap flights around for a few weeks. I'll be back next month. The timing is kind of the worst though because it's right in the middle of the Stanley Cup playoffs and I'm going to miss a bunch of Rangers games, and I just found out I'm being evicted. They're turning my crappy old apartment building into condos and they gave everybody a month to get out. That gives me about a week to pack up and figure out where I'm going after I get back, so that should be funny.
While I'm gone somebody figure out what I can do with my summer and where I can live. I have two weddings to go to back in Jersey in September and I can easily mooch off my friends and family for like a month or two then, but I'll need something in between. Send me on a book tour or get me on a chain gang, as long as I've got a place to sleep I'm fine. And if you could have all the details figured out by the time I get back that would be really nice of you. Thanks..........Paul

My Subconscious Mind Is Screwing Me Instead Of Ms. Bernard

I had a dream the other night that I was talking to a giant and we were saying how lucky he was that no one could ever punch him in the face because they couldn't reach that high. That was the whole thing. He seemed really nice.

I usually don't remember my dreams, but if I do it's always just me sitting around talking nonsense or eating a sandwich or something. My most erotic one on record was like ten years ago and it was about Crystal Bernard from Wings. It's kind of sad that my best sex dream was about somebody named Ms. Bernard, and it's even sadder that we barely made out the whole time. We were sitting on a blanket having a picnic outside and I was asking her about the show, which was weird because I didn't really watch it. I think we messed around for a little bit, and then we ate some fruit. And not pomegranates or whatever symbolic sex food people put in poems when they say how juicy it is after you break the skin. This was more like "Fucking a Crystal, have you tried these nectarines? They're delicious!" She seemed really nice too.

I read somewhere that you can influence what you dream about by concentrating on something right before you pass out, but so far I haven't been shot out of a cannon into an enormous coconut cream pie, and I've never played cards and smoked cigars with chimpanzees either. I guess you have to wait until heaven to do that kind of stuff.

In the new dream I'm trying to have I'm driving a clown car really fast into a brick wall while Bon Jovi's Bed of Roses is playing on the radio, but instead of an airbag there's a huge boxing glove that comes out of the steering wheel on impact. I want to hit the wall just as Bon says "With an ironclad fist, I wake up and French kiss the morning" and then wham I get knocked flying out of the car and I'm laid out on the ground. I'm not sure what happens after that. I'll let you know.........Paul

It's Not A Hate Crime If You Do It In Glue

Yeah sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. It's just been really hard since we lost Anna Nicole. I've also been working. I was at this temp job where I had to paste worksheets inside manilla folders with a glue stick all day. That was what I did. The worst part was when the dude actually "trained" me on how to do it. I had to stand there and watch him scribble glue on a folder, then press the paper down on top. He did three of them before he turned to me and said "Think you got the hang of it?" and I was like "I know how to use a glue stick." He said "Great!" like he was really excited for me and impressed by my skill set. Then he said "Any questions and I'm in the next cubicle over." The only question I had was "Are you fucking kidding me?" but I didn't want to talk to him anymore, so I just closed my eyes until he left.

At first I scribbled the glue like the dude had taught me, but then I started messing around and playing tic tac toe with myself. But I'd get too ashamed every time I lost, even though I was winning too. The duality of man is a lot harder to face when you realize that half of you is a dumbass capable of repeatedly losing at tic tac toe. So then I wrote messages like "I Hate This" or "Fear Me" or "You Are Ugly" or "Repent! Repent!" and eventually I started drawing pentagrams and racist caricatures of my co-workers, just to pass the time. It was a victimless crime though because once I slapped the worksheet on top you couldn't see what I'd done underneath. Unless you held the folder up to a flourescent light apparently. Then whatever you've drawn in glue and despair is clearly visible. So yeah I don't work there anymore...........Paul

My Vertical Is Not What It Used To Be

So on New Year's Eve I rolled my ankle trying to jump over a friend of mine and I landed wrong and fell down and wound up covered with mud in the bushes outside a Day's Inn. The first thing I did in 2007 was go cane shopping at Walgreens the next morning. Looks like it's going to be another classy year.

Other than that I'm hanging around, trying to find a job and working on things. It's kind of a weird scene writing something new though, because whatever I come up with I immediately compare it to other stuff that's already finished, which isn't really fair since that finished stuff has been written and re-written hundreds of times, so the new thing looks like garbage in comparison. It's like yelling at a baby and saying "Go to the store and buy me cigarettes! Oh man, you can't even talk? You have a big head and tiny legs! Are you kidding me? You're useless! I hate you!" So you give the money to your grown up dirtbag son and you don't see him for three days and when he finally comes home he's got crabs and a black eye and he never bought you the cigarettes and the baby has shit his pants again. That's what writing feels like for me sometimes, and I don't even smoke.............Paul

These Are Some Of The Things I Did At Work Last Week

Struck two paper clips together really fast for like ten minutes straight, trying to make fire. I was unsuccessful.

Pretended to be Jewish so I wouldn't have to help decorate the company Christmas tree.

Wept bitterly as everyone debated who would win an all-time Dancing With The Stars dance off.

Changed my screen saver to scrolling text: "When Lord, when will your servant be free?"

Invented a new game called Stand in Front of the Urinal. It's exactly what it sounds like. I guess it's more a test of endurance than a game. Bonus points if the same guy sees you standing there after he's already been in and out of the bathroom more than once, and for saying "What's up dude?" whenever someone's at the urinal beside you, and for whistling the entire theme song from MASH. Hero points for doing any of this with your pants pulled all the way down.

Didn't correct the lady at the front desk who thinks my name is Nathan when she said "Good morning Nathan!" like she does every day, then felt glad inside on Friday when I was leaving and she said "Have a great weekend Nate!" I really think we're becoming friends............Paul

Yeah I Like Spaceships

So they've excerpted two very romantic sections from Apathy over at nerve.com. It's called Beatdown. Go read it and remember what love is. Also remember that the guy in the picture up top isn't me, which took me like ten minutes to figure out even though we don't look alike at all. My name was right there though so I figured it had to be me. It was like I'd been born to different parents but still had the same name. I might have been in another dimension.

And check out this review right here. To the people of Louisville, I say yes.

And here's something I do every day just because it makes me happy. Have a good weekend.............Paul

At Least I'm Not Billy Bush

So I had a job interview on Friday and it went really well. It was set for 2 o'clock and I sent the guy an email around noon and said "Sorry to cancel at the last minute, but I've accepted a position at another company." Unfortunately that company is imaginary, but it felt good to lie. And rent's not due for another three days, so that's plenty of time. People have died, been buried and risen from the dead in three days, and that was before technology, so there's a small and miraculous chance that I'll be fine.

I watched the Emmy's last night. The best part is the beginning when everybody's walking in on the red carpet and those douche bags from Access Hollywood stop all the celebrities and have to ad lib questions because there's no teleprompter to tell them what to say. That's when the stupidity really shines. Billy Bush, that jackass who's George Bush's cousin or nephew on the idiot side of the family was asking Jeremy Piven a series of ridiculous things about how Ari on Entourage would represent Tom Cruise now that he's crazy or I don't even know what he was talking about, when Piven said "You need a new job man. Seriously, you have some potential as a human being. You can't be doing this." And Billy was like "You. Ha. Ha Ha. You're such a character." Then he had to smile and keep it going and tell Piven what a nice outfit he was wearing. I want to find it on YouTube and watch it over and over again to see if I can spot the exact moment when Billy realizes what a trifling and humiliating man he's become, even if it's just for a second. "Right there. There it is. He knows and he's already trying to forget. He's laughing it off but he can't because it's true." Aaaah, that's good tv.

And check out this review of Apathy right here. I just found out about it from a comment on this blog. Thanks April. I'm so half assed I can't even break news on myself..........Paul

Drop The Hammer

I took this picture at Book Expo America like three months ago and then forgot all about it:

I have no idea why they have their own race car. I think they just wanted to make the Pope Mobile look stupid. Whenever I see that commercial for Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby and Will Ferrell is screaming "Help me Jesus! Help me Tom Cruise!" I think of this car and pretend that it's the actual one that he drove in Days of Thunder, which will also someday be the title of my autobiography.

Good for Scientology though. I like how the new religions give you perks, like magic underpants if you're Mormon or those Kabbalah bracelets made out of string. Every religion has their own eternal salvation, but the important question is "What else can you do for me? What sort of holy clothing or accessories does your God also provide?" If they started handing out those huge bishop hats to everybody who became Catholic I'm pretty sure most of the world would convert.

I saw a kick ass new band the other night called The Allies. That's the link to their MySpace page right there. They've got another show coming up in September at the Ash Street Saloon in Portland. Go see them before they get huge and famous. I'm on Myspace too right here. I don't have many friends and I'm trying to become more popular. Help me or it will hurt my feelings.........Paul