I was stealing salt shakers again. Ten, sometimes twelve a night, shoving them in my pockets, hiding them up my sleeves, smuggling them out of bars and diners and anywhere else I could find them. In the morning, wherever I woke up, I was always covered in salt. I was cured meat. I had become beef jerky. Even as a small, small child, I knew it would one day come to this.

That's the first paragraph right there. It's about one man's desperate fight to assign absolutely no meaning to modern life. It's also about sleeping in the bathroom at work, getting framed for a deaf lady's murder, and how it feels to get beat up by a girl.

"Neilan's wit is a razor that cuts and slashes mercilessly on every single page, in every single paragraph, so that your fingers will bleed even asthe tears of laughter soak your face. So basically, you'll be reduced to a bloody, weeping mess, madly reading whole pages aloud as friends and family shake their heads and slowly back away."
  ---Jonathan Tropper, author of Everything Changes

"The best book you'll read in years, and the funniest novel ever. If you don't love it, there's something wrong with you, and if you do, there is also something wrong with you-but you won't care."
  ---Max Barry, author of Jennifer Government