I Haven't Been Murdered Yet

Yeah I'm still around. Sorry I haven't posted anything in like six months. Now that the Rangers are out of the playoffs my life finally feels empty enough to start blogging again. They got knocked out yesterday by the Pittsburgh Penguins. It was a travesty of a series and the refs stole at least two games, but you have to give the Penguins some credit, even though I never will.

I went for an interview at a temp agency a while back--it hurts deep, deep inside--and after doing the simple math and square peg go in square hole skills tests I had to sit through a mandatory video on sexual harassment that was narrated by a guy with the fakest British accent I've ever heard pretending to be Sherlock Holmes. I'm totally fucking serious. He had on this big trench coat and a ridiculous hat and he was wandering around a bunch of cubicles and chewing on a big plastic pipe and saying things like "What do you do if someone makes an inappropriate comment to you in the workplace? Elementary my dear Watson, contact your supervisor immediately. There's no mystery there!" This went on for about three hours. It feels good to be back............Paul

Comments

[J.]

That sounds pretty horrifying. I once had to sit through an hour long training video on the Freedom of Information Act that featured easily the worst Humphrey Bogart impersonator of all time, so I may understand some of what you've endured.

[Kate]

I once had to take counterterrorism training that asked me what I would do if I found a bomb under my car tire or was held hostage in my hotel room on a business trip. "Quit" was never one of the options.

[Colin Matthew]

I was just looking at your book sitting on my shelf the other day wondering what happened to you.

[J.]

Kate, I take that same training every year, too. Damn, there is a lot of bullshit online training in the military.

[Graham]

I prefer to call her Skidney Crosby. It's that rural Nova Scotia upbringing.

[Kate]

J. - I particularly like the sexual harassment ones. There's always a guy with an insane comb-over (who sort of looks like what I imagine Doug the dentist would) harassing Millie, a gentle soul who feels conflicted about what's happening to her.

[Brad]

why the Sydney Crosby hate? He's good for hockey. It's not like he's a bitch like Yashin or anything. Sure he's no Ovechkin but you can't win them all. NY got out classed in that series, nothing to be sad about. It'll be good to see Pittsburgh and Detroit in the final. And this is coming from a Leafs fan.

[AJ]

Any chance on us getting another book out of you? It wasn't THAT hard the first time through, was it? Come on. We deserve it.

[Paul Neilan]

Colin: That's strangely sweet right there.

Brad: Outclassed my ass. They got outreffed and two of their top six forwards got hurt. And just because Crosby's good for hockey doesn't mean he's any good for me. He complains after every whistle and every time he gets tossed out of the faceoff circle and if anybody sneezes near him he goes down like he's been shot. When Jaromir Jagr is calling you out for being a pansy, that's just embarrassing. Yeah I'm bitter. Let's go Red Wings.

AJ: Don't worry, I'm working on it.

[AJ]

Sweet! It's not about hockey, though, is it? I fucking HATE hockey.

[Graham]

AJ - That's too bad you hate hockey.
You might be disappointed then as I heard the new book was Darren Pang's biography. At least it should be.

[Jake]

Paul! You're back! Awesome. Sorry that the temp place had no dignity. Good luck with that, though.

So, now that you apparently have more free time, and aren't dead, are you going to write another book?

[Dan80UK]

Temp jobs? furniture off the street? What the hell? Surely Shane should be bigger than Harry Potter?

Paul, write you son of a bitch, Apathy remains to be one of the funniest books ever written, every person that has borrowed my copy agrees..... however, now I feel responsible for your lack of lear jets and J-lo hand jobs, why did I loan it out, sorry bud....but as you curl up into that back alley bin, remember that your book had me and many others people sitting on pools of our own piss, not collectively though. Surely that should be your fortune??? right??? RIGHT??

[AJ]

What Dan80UK said.

[Olga]

Paul, I loved your book and I recommend it to everyone and anyone. I hope you can transcend the corporate purgatory and keep writing awesome books!

[Ryan D.]

I agree with Olga. I just read about your book on The Dapper Lad on Saturday, picked it up Sunday night, spent all my time at a BBQ yesterday with my nose stuck in it, and I finished it this morning. Fantastic! I'm recommending it to all of my friends, but don't worry, I'm not loaning that shit out to anybody, they gotta buy their own. Keep up the good work.

[Justin]

Paul, I just finished reading your book, I am only 19, but that is the Best book that I have read in my entire life(I read a lot of books). I cracked up more in one page then in any book. If America was not so stuck up you would be rich and famous. I dont see how jk rowling can write some crap about a fucking wizard and they hail her and make movies about all of her crapy books. You are a awsome author, if all books were like your's I would never watch TV again.
-Justin ,Huge Fan

I hope there are many more books to come

[Rene]

June 8... This smells like abandonment.

[emma]

lol at the sidney crosby comment, if you're alive, i hope you read this!
since im canadian i'd have to say our man sid played very well and won US (that's uh-s and not U-S) Canadians a gold in a little thing called the olympics

=) over time goal is still a goal

[Spencer Dewispelaere]

If you haven't been murdered, you have now.