Buy This Book

So that book I wrote, Apathy And Other Small Victories, is out in paperback. You should hurry up and buy it right now. Go! Here are some reasons why:

Buy it for the Christian fundamentalist in your life. It will make them furious. There's a guy blowing his head off on the cover for christ's sake.

Buy it for some kid who graduated last month instead of Oh The Places You'll Go. They're not going anywhere and both of you know it. Neither of you is fooling anyone with your fucking cartoons. It's insulting. Buy them this book instead.

Buy it somebody who’s a big fan of the Jim Belushi sitcom According To Jim, then use it to beat them into a coma. I was going to suggest this when the hardcover came out, but I was afraid the sharp edges might accidentally kill someone and I wanted to give them a chance to think about the horrible choices they’d made in life while they slept it off. If they’re still a fan of the show when they wake up, I’ll send you the hardcover for free.

Buy it for someone who doesn't know how to read and say "Hey dumb ass, too bad you can't read. You'd really like this book." You can shame them into literacy if you try hard enough. It might work.

Buy this book even if you bought the hardcover. The ending to this version is totally different and there are three new chapters and a heartbreaking introduction written by Kurt Vonnegut right before he died. And even if none of that is true and it’s the same goddamn book you’ve already read just with a flimsier cover, my picture’s not on the back of this one so you can imagine it was written by someone much more attractive, like I do with you when we make out. Aww girl, you know I’m only playing. Don’t be like that. Damn.

Buy it for your step mom, since you didn’t buy her anything for Mother's Day. She won't be sure how to react. Then when she says "Oh....Thank you," say "Go fuck yourself Sharon. I hate you." She's not your real mom. Who cares what she thinks? Your dad never should have married her.

Buy it for a friend of yours that you don't really like and say "The dentist guy really reminded me of you." Or Mobo, or the deaf girl. You can use any character and it will still be mean. Everyone in this book is a mess, and your friend will never know if you were being serious. It's passive aggressive and fun.

Buy it for your 90-year-old grandmother. You can even pretend that you wrote it if you want. Say "Look Nanna! My first novel was just published. Isn't that great!" She'll have no idea what you're talking about. The woman's insane. Bring over some cake and party hats. She'll think it's her birthday. Give the old girl a thrill. Go see Nanna right now.

Buy this book and don’t even read it. Throw it in the garbage or set it on fire in your backyard. Shove it up your ass for all I care. I’m still getting paid. Yeah now who’s laughing? And take my book out of your ass you fucking weirdo. You’re making us both uncomfortable.

Buy it for some woman you know who's going through menopause. You don't know what else to get her, or if giving a Happy Menopause gift is even appropriate. This way you can just hand her the book and be like "Uh, here." Then get the hell out of there and never mention it again. How did you even know she's going through menopause? Did you ask her about it or something? Is that what you two talk about?

Buy it for your boyfriend or husband as a belated Father's Day present, especially if you don't have any kids and aren't pregnant. Just give it to him and say "I know it’s late, but so was I. Happy Father's Day." He'll be like "What?" and when he looks at you put your hands on your belly and smile and say “I wanted to be sure.” The expression on his face will be worth it. Then watch as he looks down at the cover and imagines himself as the one with the gun to his head. Then fuck off for using my book as a sight gag. That's why he's cheating on you, because you always do shit like this.

Buy it with the money you would have spent on fast food. Have you seen that McDonald's breakfast commercial where they say "Wake up and smell your life"? They're telling you that your life smells like an egg McMuffin with double meat. They're openly mocking you. Buy this book and serve notice that you won't stink of them. Not today.

Buy this book for anyone you know who cries in the shower, who drinks in the morning, whose life only has meaning when they're asleep and dreaming that they're somebody else. They will find comfort here. And if they don't, it's not your fault. They've always been this way. Some people are just all banged up. Good for you for trying to help. You're a great person. Give yourself a hand............Paul

Look What You Made Me Do

Hey thanks to everybody who left a comment on that last post. I'd put you all on the payroll except I have no cash. I liked reading about how people first found out about the book though. It was like watching a Behind the Music special about myself after I'd just died. And it's good to know I'm on the recommended list over at Chuck Palahniuk's site. I was supposed to stalk him up in Portland and see if I could get him to say something nice about Apathy but I was way too afraid. I figured I'd just start crying if I met him. Yeah that story Guts still hurts my feelings. I get a little sad every time I go swimming, but I have started eating a lot more carrots, so I guess that's something.

But check it out, I set up a Facebook page because you told me to. Unfortunately I have no idea how to work it. Am I supposed to join a network or something? Is there any way I can just let everybody see it or what do you do with this nonsense? Right now I'm in the San Francisco network I think, and I put the first chapter of the book up, but I have no idea how to link to it and I have no friends. I am humiliated.

I've got a MySpace page and I put the first chapter up there too. It looks like there might be a reading or two coming up this summer. I'll let you know when I get some details. And the book comes out in paperback tomorrow, so I might actually put a post up two days in a row. Unprecedented..........Paul

Me And Naked People

Yeah I'm still sleeping on my friend's couch but I think I want to live in Berkeley for the summer and maybe longer. It seems like a weird enough scene and all the homeless people are really nice. That's what I look for when I'm deciding where to live. This way I know it'll be easy to make friends whenever I get evicted again.

A few weekends back I did this thing called Bay to Breakers in San Francisco. It's a 12 km race but nobody actually runs it except for a few guys from Kenya. Everybody else gets dressed up in ridiculous costumes and throws tortillas and pulls booze wagons and gets wrecked as they walk down the street. It's like a big parade of nonsense. I started with a backpack full of beer and about three minutes in a random girl came off the sidewalk and slapped a nametag on my chest that said "Crack Whore". That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day.

I saw guys in banana suits being chased by somebody in a gorilla costume, and I saw a bunch of people in jean cutoffs carrying a "Nevernude: 'There are literally dozens of us!'" banner which made me happy for the rest of the day. And there was a lot of naked people walking around too. My friend had warned me about it, but the first one I actually saw was when I was watching these guys pour shots down the huge block of ice they were towing and when one of them said "Who's next?" I heard somebody yell "Give it to the naked guy!" And sure enough there was a full blown naked dude standing there with no pants on and everything. He had to squat down to do the shot and it was like the sum total of every horrific car accident I've ever seen. Yeesh. There were a couple of naked women walking around but one of them was really old, so that pretty much cancelled out everybody else. She was also very proud of her hairless body, and I got hit with an utterly full frontal shot as I turned around, so I'll be dealing with those flashbacks for the rest of my goddamn life. christ.

There was a guy holding a sign that said "God Hates Drunkards, Fornicaters" and a bunch of other stuff that people were either already doing or were obviously planning to do, and he just stood there in the middle of the street as everyone streamed past him. Because there's really no better way to spread Jesus's message of love than to tell your listeners how much his dad already hates them. As I was going past a bunch of people started throwing tortillas at him, which was the kind of absurd stoning that you'd have to think Jesus would get a kick out of, no matter what denomination he really is. It was a good time all around.

But hey now, Apathy is coming out in paperback later this month and I need to figure out how to make more people read it so I don't have to get another temp job and be sad all the time, so where did all of you hear about it and what made you pick it up in the first place? I'm guessing "Max Barry" is the answer to both of those questions for a lot of people--God bless that guy, every day--but where else, and how can I exploit that to make more people do the same? Basically I want you to come up with a guerilla marketing plan for me so I don't have to do it myself. I'm too busy marching in naked parades to do that kind of thing. I thought about organizing a National I Don't Care About Anything Day where employees just sleep in the bathroom at work and get nothing done, but I feel like most people already do that anyway. Steal A Salt Shaker Day was another idea, or June could be Get Framed For A Deaf Lady's Murder month, but I feel like I might get in trouble for that one.........Paul