Buy This Book

So that book I wrote, Apathy And Other Small Victories, is out in paperback. You should hurry up and buy it right now. Go! Here are some reasons why:

Buy it for the Christian fundamentalist in your life. It will make them furious. There's a guy blowing his head off on the cover for christ's sake.

Buy it for some kid who graduated last month instead of Oh The Places You'll Go. They're not going anywhere and both of you know it. Neither of you is fooling anyone with your fucking cartoons. It's insulting. Buy them this book instead.

Buy it somebody who’s a big fan of the Jim Belushi sitcom According To Jim, then use it to beat them into a coma. I was going to suggest this when the hardcover came out, but I was afraid the sharp edges might accidentally kill someone and I wanted to give them a chance to think about the horrible choices they’d made in life while they slept it off. If they’re still a fan of the show when they wake up, I’ll send you the hardcover for free.

Buy it for someone who doesn't know how to read and say "Hey dumb ass, too bad you can't read. You'd really like this book." You can shame them into literacy if you try hard enough. It might work.

Buy this book even if you bought the hardcover. The ending to this version is totally different and there are three new chapters and a heartbreaking introduction written by Kurt Vonnegut right before he died. And even if none of that is true and it’s the same goddamn book you’ve already read just with a flimsier cover, my picture’s not on the back of this one so you can imagine it was written by someone much more attractive, like I do with you when we make out. Aww girl, you know I’m only playing. Don’t be like that. Damn.

Buy it for your step mom, since you didn’t buy her anything for Mother's Day. She won't be sure how to react. Then when she says "Oh....Thank you," say "Go fuck yourself Sharon. I hate you." She's not your real mom. Who cares what she thinks? Your dad never should have married her.

Buy it for a friend of yours that you don't really like and say "The dentist guy really reminded me of you." Or Mobo, or the deaf girl. You can use any character and it will still be mean. Everyone in this book is a mess, and your friend will never know if you were being serious. It's passive aggressive and fun.

Buy it for your 90-year-old grandmother. You can even pretend that you wrote it if you want. Say "Look Nanna! My first novel was just published. Isn't that great!" She'll have no idea what you're talking about. The woman's insane. Bring over some cake and party hats. She'll think it's her birthday. Give the old girl a thrill. Go see Nanna right now.

Buy this book and don’t even read it. Throw it in the garbage or set it on fire in your backyard. Shove it up your ass for all I care. I’m still getting paid. Yeah now who’s laughing? And take my book out of your ass you fucking weirdo. You’re making us both uncomfortable.

Buy it for some woman you know who's going through menopause. You don't know what else to get her, or if giving a Happy Menopause gift is even appropriate. This way you can just hand her the book and be like "Uh, here." Then get the hell out of there and never mention it again. How did you even know she's going through menopause? Did you ask her about it or something? Is that what you two talk about?

Buy it for your boyfriend or husband as a belated Father's Day present, especially if you don't have any kids and aren't pregnant. Just give it to him and say "I know it’s late, but so was I. Happy Father's Day." He'll be like "What?" and when he looks at you put your hands on your belly and smile and say “I wanted to be sure.” The expression on his face will be worth it. Then watch as he looks down at the cover and imagines himself as the one with the gun to his head. Then fuck off for using my book as a sight gag. That's why he's cheating on you, because you always do shit like this.

Buy it with the money you would have spent on fast food. Have you seen that McDonald's breakfast commercial where they say "Wake up and smell your life"? They're telling you that your life smells like an egg McMuffin with double meat. They're openly mocking you. Buy this book and serve notice that you won't stink of them. Not today.

Buy this book for anyone you know who cries in the shower, who drinks in the morning, whose life only has meaning when they're asleep and dreaming that they're somebody else. They will find comfort here. And if they don't, it's not your fault. They've always been this way. Some people are just all banged up. Good for you for trying to help. You're a great person. Give yourself a hand............Paul

Comments

[JCK]

I've submitted this post to Digg, so it might get noticed if some more people from here digg it:
http://digg.com/offbeat_news/Funniest_Reasons_to_Buy_a_Book_Ever

[Alex P]

I may have to buy your book in paperback since I'm too fucking poor to buy it in hardcover... Again. I demand that you mail me a copy to replace the one that my faggot roommate stole from me when he moved out one day. That son of a bitch.

[erin freer]

your book is hysterical, i actually cry sometimes i am laughing so hard. i work at the 540 Club that you will be reading at on July 26th and look foward to hopefully meeting you.

[Robert]

Hi Paul,

is there a chance, that you will read in New York in the next couple of months?

Thanks,

Robert

[david neilan]

very very very funny....i hope we're related!

[Paul Neilan]

Hey thanks there JCK. Don't worry Alex. When you and your roommate get back together you'll have a hard cover again. I know you two will make it work, somehow. And Erin, is the reading definitely set for the 26th? I wasn't sure what day it was happening. I should probably figure that out. There's nothing set for New York but if it comes together I'll let you know Robert. And I would think if we were related there David I would have already tried to borrow money off you at some point, but I'll ask my mom just to make sure..........Paul

[Rabi]

What first caught my attention about the book is the title, it's AWESOME. Next I noticed on the cover is a guy about to blow his brains out, also awesome. Finally, I read a few pages and LOVED it.
I can't wait to buy it.

I don't think I would have posted this comment if it wasn't for this, though:
I think you missed a word in the third reason: "Buy it FOR somebody who’s a big fan of the Jim Belushi sitcom According To Jim"

[Susan]

I cried when I bought this book again and there was no three new chapters or anything. Asshole.

[Jenny]

I started reading this book about a month ago, then lost it. Recently found it again, and woke up thinking about it this morning. I just camped out with coffee and smokes and finished it. Fucking hillarious. Im pretty sure every page is stained with mascara laughter tears. I am ready for your next book now please. Thank you.

[jesse]

i was going to buy your book but then i stole it instead. sorry. i hate barnes and noble. lvoe jesse.

[Asian Woman]

I am chinese and like to please
like string beans and cheese
o please o pleas o please
no more string beans
no more chinese
ding dong
ping pong
i like big
wing wong

[Axis]

It has been awhile since I've enjoyed a good book that isn't about child development, birth or knitting...yes, that sounds sad, but don't shed a tear for me. As a Mom to 3 I can still enjoy fiction. My brother handed me this book and said: Teesh, here. I started in a couple days ago and for the past 2 nights I have laughed my toddler and husband awake into the wee hours of my private time of the night; blasted book and my terrible use of semicolons.

Thank you for your funny book. I unfortunately share a private talk in my own mind that *may* or may not resemble your characters ;)

[coyote]

your book rocked.. and i like rocks

[Michelle]

I was just going to buy one and burn a copy for everyone else. But I realized that books are made of paper and that would probably not work.

I guess I could just try to pirate a copy. But pirates are exposed to too much water, so that probably wouldn't work either.

So I guess I will just buy a few (dozen) copies for people who will (and won't) appreciate it. But only because I don't want to see you appear as a plaintiff in some fucked up Metallica sort of way. Don't be that guy. And stop wearing leather, you're not in college anymore.