So that book I wrote, Apathy And Other Small Victories, is out in paperback. You should hurry up and buy it right now. Go! Here are some reasons why:
Buy it for the Christian fundamentalist in your life. It will make them furious. There's a guy blowing his head off on the cover for christ's sake.
Buy it for some kid who graduated last month instead of Oh The Places You'll Go. They're not going anywhere and both of you know it. Neither of you is fooling anyone with your fucking cartoons. It's insulting. Buy them this book instead.
Buy it somebody who’s a big fan of the Jim Belushi sitcom According To Jim, then use it to beat them into a coma. I was going to suggest this when the hardcover came out, but I was afraid the sharp edges might accidentally kill someone and I wanted to give them a chance to think about the horrible choices they’d made in life while they slept it off. If they’re still a fan of the show when they wake up, I’ll send you the hardcover for free.
Buy it for someone who doesn't know how to read and say "Hey dumb ass, too bad you can't read. You'd really like this book." You can shame them into literacy if you try hard enough. It might work.
Buy this book even if you bought the hardcover. The ending to this version is totally different and there are three new chapters and a heartbreaking introduction written by Kurt Vonnegut right before he died. And even if none of that is true and it’s the same goddamn book you’ve already read just with a flimsier cover, my picture’s not on the back of this one so you can imagine it was written by someone much more attractive, like I do with you when we make out. Aww girl, you know I’m only playing. Don’t be like that. Damn.
Buy it for your step mom, since you didn’t buy her anything for Mother's Day. She won't be sure how to react. Then when she says "Oh....Thank you," say "Go fuck yourself Sharon. I hate you." She's not your real mom. Who cares what she thinks? Your dad never should have married her.
Buy it for a friend of yours that you don't really like and say "The dentist guy really reminded me of you." Or Mobo, or the deaf girl. You can use any character and it will still be mean. Everyone in this book is a mess, and your friend will never know if you were being serious. It's passive aggressive and fun.
Buy it for your 90-year-old grandmother. You can even pretend that you wrote it if you want. Say "Look Nanna! My first novel was just published. Isn't that great!" She'll have no idea what you're talking about. The woman's insane. Bring over some cake and party hats. She'll think it's her birthday. Give the old girl a thrill. Go see Nanna right now.
Buy this book and don’t even read it. Throw it in the garbage or set it on fire in your backyard. Shove it up your ass for all I care. I’m still getting paid. Yeah now who’s laughing? And take my book out of your ass you fucking weirdo. You’re making us both uncomfortable.
Buy it for some woman you know who's going through menopause. You don't know what else to get her, or if giving a Happy Menopause gift is even appropriate. This way you can just hand her the book and be like "Uh, here." Then get the hell out of there and never mention it again. How did you even know she's going through menopause? Did you ask her about it or something? Is that what you two talk about?
Buy it for your boyfriend or husband as a belated Father's Day present, especially if you don't have any kids and aren't pregnant. Just give it to him and say "I know it’s late, but so was I. Happy Father's Day." He'll be like "What?" and when he looks at you put your hands on your belly and smile and say “I wanted to be sure.” The expression on his face will be worth it. Then watch as he looks down at the cover and imagines himself as the one with the gun to his head. Then fuck off for using my book as a sight gag. That's why he's cheating on you, because you always do shit like this.
Buy it with the money you would have spent on fast food. Have you seen that McDonald's breakfast commercial where they say "Wake up and smell your life"? They're telling you that your life smells like an egg McMuffin with double meat. They're openly mocking you. Buy this book and serve notice that you won't stink of them. Not today.
Buy this book for anyone you know who cries in the shower, who drinks in the morning, whose life only has meaning when they're asleep and dreaming that they're somebody else. They will find comfort here. And if they don't, it's not your fault. They've always been this way. Some people are just all banged up. Good for you for trying to help. You're a great person. Give yourself a hand............Paul