Rage Against The Machine In Kindergarten

“WAKE UUUUP!!! WAKE UUUU—”

“Zachary, could you please stop shouting? It’s nap time. The other children are trying to—”

“Killing Mrs. Mayfield…”

Buhm-buh-duh buh-da-da-dahdum-buhm-buhm

“You can’t sing a song about killing me, Zachary. I’m your teacher. And Tommy M., you put that guitar down this instant. If Mr. Cantor hears you—”

“Some of those that work forces…”

“For the last time, Zachary, the school resource officer does not burn crosses. Mr. Cantor is a nice man. And if you keep up this behavior, I’m calling your parents.”

“UUUGH!”

The Cologuard Horror

Take a dump in a cardboard box, mail it to us, and we’ll tell you if you have cancer!

You want me to what? That’s your business model? Who signed off on this? Was it a Shark Tank thing?

Pitch: You take a shit in a box. It’s called Shit Box.

Mr. Wonderful: I’m all in.

You could smuggle anything in Cologuard. Drugs, body parts. Ship it anywhere in the world. Nobody’s opening that up. Except the guy who works intake at the home office. He hates his job more than anyone. Every day is the worst Christmas morning of his life. I’ve been a good boy this year, haven’t I? Why Santa? Why?

If someone sent me a package filled with human feces I’d tell them they had cancer out of spite. Yeah, you’re gonna die in like ten minutes. Right after I murder you, sending me a pile of crap.

I really feel for the mailman. Neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of—Is that another box of cancer shit? Fuck this. I quit.

Quantum Leap: Disney Kids Reboot

Eight year old Gen Z Sam leaps through history to play with other kids’ toys.

Sam: What the fuck is this?

Kid: It’s a hula hoop!

Sam: What does it do?

Kid: It goes around you!

Sam: Then what?

Kid: It goes around you again! And again! And again! And—

Sam: Nope.

Leap

Sam: What the fuck are you doing?

Kid: I’m petting him!

Sam: It’s a fucking rock.

Kid: He’s my Pet Rock! His name’s Sparky! Do you want to pet him too?

Sam: Here’s an idea. How about you pile your childhood in a sack and drown yourself in a river with it.

Kid: What?

Sam: Ziggy, get me the fuck out of here.

Leap

Sam: Why the fuck did you just put your gloves in the freezer?

Kid: They’re Freezy Freakies!

Sam: Your best toy is gloves? Are you fucking serious?

Kid: Look! They have rainbows on them now! Isn’t that neato?

Sam: Ziggy.

Kid: You wanna go play outside?

Sam: I mean it, Zig.

Kid: We can ride bikes!

Sam: ZIGGY!!!

THE HOLLYWOOD SPIRAL

 

THE HOLLYWOOD SPIRAL comes out June 15th! Pick up a copy here or here or here or here. Pick up a copy everywhere! Go!

Yeah It's Tomorrow

I meant to say something about this much earlier but I've got a reading tomorrow, Thursday the 26th. It's at the 540 Club on 540 Clement St. at 8 pm. Yeah it's the same bar I was at around this time last year. I'd feel like kind of a dumb ass reading the exact same sections from the same goddamn book all over again, but I have no memory of the last reading so that won't be a problem. I was all banged up. Just in case though I'm going to try out a few pages from the new thing I'm working on and see what happens. It really could go either way. If you're in San Francisco come on by..........Paul

I Haven't Been Murdered Yet

Yeah I'm still around. Sorry I haven't posted anything in like six months. Now that the Rangers are out of the playoffs my life finally feels empty enough to start blogging again. They got knocked out yesterday by the Pittsburgh Penguins. It was a travesty of a series and the refs stole at least two games, but you have to give the Penguins some credit, even though I never will.

I went for an interview at a temp agency a while back--it hurts deep, deep inside--and after doing the simple math and square peg go in square hole skills tests I had to sit through a mandatory video on sexual harassment that was narrated by a guy with the fakest British accent I've ever heard pretending to be Sherlock Holmes. I'm totally fucking serious. He had on this big trench coat and a ridiculous hat and he was wandering around a bunch of cubicles and chewing on a big plastic pipe and saying things like "What do you do if someone makes an inappropriate comment to you in the workplace? Elementary my dear Watson, contact your supervisor immediately. There's no mystery there!" This went on for about three hours. It feels good to be back............Paul

I Live In San Francisco Now

Hey how's it going? Yeah sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. It's been a ragged couple of months. In August I took all my stuff out of storage in Portland and drove it down to California. That's when I found out that everything I own including furniture could fit inside a rented Nissan Sentra, which is like a budget clown car. I have very little. It's kind of good in a Buddhist sort of way I guess but I'm from America so it might be depressing, I'm not sure.

After sleeping on my friend's couch for a few weeks I finally found a place in San Francisco, and I had to buy some chairs so I went to the Office Max down the street. I worked in an Office Max back in Jersey one summer. My favorite memory is of the time my boss asked me to take a floor model desk set out behind the dumpster and break it into pieces with a hammer. There was some minor flaw in the wood and it couldn't be sold. When I asked him why I had to destroy it he said "So no one else can have it." It was one of those sad and important life lessons that stays with you even though you don't want it to. I left the store without buying anything--not because of my conscience really, it was more that the dude behind the counter was prohibitively ugly and I didn't feel like waiting in line--but then a few days later I found two chairs on a street corner for free. If there's a moral in the story I have no idea what it is, but at least I don't have to sit on the floor anymore.

And look at me, I'm going to be reading at Wordstock in Portland, Oregon this weekend, Sunday the 11th at 5:00 pm. It's a big literary festival with lots of good writers and I'm going to read some pages from Apathy and maybe a tiny section from the new thing I'm working on--world premier!--so if you're in town come on by. And even more important than that the day before is my birthday. Whether you show for the reading or not, you should probably buy me a present either way. Thanks...........Paul

I'm Reading Again

So the place where I used to live in Portland was kind of a mess, but it was one block away from a cupcake store and two blocks from a movie theater that served beer, which is probably the closest I'll ever come to my own version of manifest destiny. It's where I wrote Apathy, and it's also where I found a dead rat in my garbage can the night I came home from that trip I took and then got evicted. And yeah the reason I'm getting nostalgic is I have a reading this Tuesday, the 14th, in Powell's on Burnside at 7:30 pm. It's right down the street from my old apartment and it's one of my favorite bookstores in the world, so the fact that I'll be reading in there is kind of ridiculous. If I was a different person I'd say it was special, but I really don't have that kind of sincerity in me. I like to save up all my emotions for hockey season.

I'm only blowing through town--I have to get back because my sublet is up in Berkeley at the end of the week and I need to move my stuff out and find another place to live, and I also have to get a job and all this other nonsense I'd rather not think about--but after the reading I'm going to head over to the Low Brow Lounge and hope some people come with me so I can mooch drinks off them. They have Guinness on tap and hot pretzels, which will probably end up being my dinner unfortunately, so if you're in Portland come on by and say hello............Paul

Come See Me Fall Down

So I was going to write a big post about how the BART trains in Berkeley--it stands for Bay Area Rapid Transit apparently--whenever they're just about to come to a full stop all make a sound like that part in Come Sail Away by Styx right before the weird whale song synthesizer breakdown ends and the guitar kicks back in and it starts to rule again, which always reminds me of the first episode of Freaks and Geeks when Sam is at the dance at the end, so that I'm all fired up but also close to weeping every time I get on the train, and if only public transportation was this emotional for more people everyone would take it instead of driving. But then after I finished watching Scrubs something called Victoria Beckham: Coming to America came on and it robbed me of my will to live. I just don't understand how she gets a show. Being the most attractive Spice Girl is like being the most apologetic German at Nuremberg. You really shouldn't get any credit for it, no matter how handsome of a dude you marry afterwards.

I was looking through the journal I kept when I took that trip a while back and I saw this announcement I heard while I was in George Bush airport in Houston: "Any inappropriate comments or jokes about security may result in your arrest." At first I assumed I was just messing around and made it up, but I must have known I wouldn't believe myself because there was a note next to the quote: "They just said this over the loudspeaker. You didn't make it up." God bless America. I also found two creepy pictures that I took while I was in Germany. I'll post them once I find a scanner so they can haunt your nightmares the same way they've been haunting mine.

But check this out. Yeah I have a reading next Thursday, July 26th, at 7 pm in San Francisco. It's through Green Apple Books at a place called the 540 Club--which is a bar--so the odds of a travesty where I fall down at some point and get hurt real bad are extraordinarily high. Come on out, because if nobody shows up I'm going to look like an ass...........Paul

Buy This Book

So that book I wrote, Apathy And Other Small Victories, is out in paperback. You should hurry up and buy it right now. Go! Here are some reasons why:

Buy it for the Christian fundamentalist in your life. It will make them furious. There's a guy blowing his head off on the cover for christ's sake.

Buy it for some kid who graduated last month instead of Oh The Places You'll Go. They're not going anywhere and both of you know it. Neither of you is fooling anyone with your fucking cartoons. It's insulting. Buy them this book instead.

Buy it somebody who’s a big fan of the Jim Belushi sitcom According To Jim, then use it to beat them into a coma. I was going to suggest this when the hardcover came out, but I was afraid the sharp edges might accidentally kill someone and I wanted to give them a chance to think about the horrible choices they’d made in life while they slept it off. If they’re still a fan of the show when they wake up, I’ll send you the hardcover for free.

Buy it for someone who doesn't know how to read and say "Hey dumb ass, too bad you can't read. You'd really like this book." You can shame them into literacy if you try hard enough. It might work.

Buy this book even if you bought the hardcover. The ending to this version is totally different and there are three new chapters and a heartbreaking introduction written by Kurt Vonnegut right before he died. And even if none of that is true and it’s the same goddamn book you’ve already read just with a flimsier cover, my picture’s not on the back of this one so you can imagine it was written by someone much more attractive, like I do with you when we make out. Aww girl, you know I’m only playing. Don’t be like that. Damn.

Buy it for your step mom, since you didn’t buy her anything for Mother's Day. She won't be sure how to react. Then when she says "Oh....Thank you," say "Go fuck yourself Sharon. I hate you." She's not your real mom. Who cares what she thinks? Your dad never should have married her.

Buy it for a friend of yours that you don't really like and say "The dentist guy really reminded me of you." Or Mobo, or the deaf girl. You can use any character and it will still be mean. Everyone in this book is a mess, and your friend will never know if you were being serious. It's passive aggressive and fun.

Buy it for your 90-year-old grandmother. You can even pretend that you wrote it if you want. Say "Look Nanna! My first novel was just published. Isn't that great!" She'll have no idea what you're talking about. The woman's insane. Bring over some cake and party hats. She'll think it's her birthday. Give the old girl a thrill. Go see Nanna right now.

Buy this book and don’t even read it. Throw it in the garbage or set it on fire in your backyard. Shove it up your ass for all I care. I’m still getting paid. Yeah now who’s laughing? And take my book out of your ass you fucking weirdo. You’re making us both uncomfortable.

Buy it for some woman you know who's going through menopause. You don't know what else to get her, or if giving a Happy Menopause gift is even appropriate. This way you can just hand her the book and be like "Uh, here." Then get the hell out of there and never mention it again. How did you even know she's going through menopause? Did you ask her about it or something? Is that what you two talk about?

Buy it for your boyfriend or husband as a belated Father's Day present, especially if you don't have any kids and aren't pregnant. Just give it to him and say "I know it’s late, but so was I. Happy Father's Day." He'll be like "What?" and when he looks at you put your hands on your belly and smile and say “I wanted to be sure.” The expression on his face will be worth it. Then watch as he looks down at the cover and imagines himself as the one with the gun to his head. Then fuck off for using my book as a sight gag. That's why he's cheating on you, because you always do shit like this.

Buy it with the money you would have spent on fast food. Have you seen that McDonald's breakfast commercial where they say "Wake up and smell your life"? They're telling you that your life smells like an egg McMuffin with double meat. They're openly mocking you. Buy this book and serve notice that you won't stink of them. Not today.

Buy this book for anyone you know who cries in the shower, who drinks in the morning, whose life only has meaning when they're asleep and dreaming that they're somebody else. They will find comfort here. And if they don't, it's not your fault. They've always been this way. Some people are just all banged up. Good for you for trying to help. You're a great person. Give yourself a hand............Paul