Yeah so the big trip was a ridiculous scene. I went to Ireland and Budapest and a couple other places--I almost died one night in Berlin but I can't really talk about it until my legal team assures me that I can't be extradited--and when I got back I was almost immediately thrown out of my apartment. White on white gentrification is just so sad. It's like that "First they came for the communists..." poem except much worse because it happened to me.
I wound up taking a Greyhound out of Portland down to San Francisco. I forgot how luxurious a 15 hour bus ride could be. When I used to ride it all the time I had a Greyhound Face I'd put on whenever I had an empty seat next to me and there were people still getting on. I'd mess up my hair and push my glasses down to the end of my nose and stick out my front teeth like I had a massive overbite and leave my mouth hanging open like an old man with a sad neurological condition. Then I'd look everybody in the face as they got on the bus and stare at them until they walked past me and sat somewhere else. Nobody wants to get stuck next to a banged up guy on an overnight bus ride. You just need to have the will and a big gaping hole where your dignity should be to pull it off. It takes something out of you, the looks you get from girls when you're pretending to be retarded, but that extra seat is precious goddammit and I need my rest.
It worked every time except for this one trip when a dude got on who was making pretty much the exact same face I was, only he wasn't pretending. He looked at me like "I have a brother!" and sat right down beside me and started talking about his favorite animals, then later he fell asleep on my shoulder and snored like a fucking jackhammer the entire night. It was kind of sweet in an utterly depressing way. This time the bus was mostly empty though, so I was all right...........Paul
Glad to see you`re back in one piece. I`m sure your legal team won`t mind if you let us know about all the juicy details of your overseas escapades.
Chicks dig the mentally challenged look.... not. Good strategy though. Hope you can find a place to crash, we were starving for blog entries here..........Patrick
Posted by: Patrick | May 18, 2007 at 08:06 AM
I was excited to see a new post today, work has been pretty slow lately and I needed a laugh. Awesome job making it back to the states alive and well. Glad you did cuz...what would we do without you? Kaitlin is actually over in europe right now, maybe in Berlin, who knows. I hope she's not in any of the same kind of trouble it seems you got into...or if it was fun trouble, then maybe I do. Anyway, glad you're back. Keep writing! And have you figured out where you're moving to next? If you say Nebraska...well. I really wouldn't be surprised.
-Jess
Posted by: Jessica | May 21, 2007 at 07:13 AM
Your self respect is a pretty amazing comodity, in that you will eventually get it back. No matter what you wake up next to, you will eventually be able to look at yourself in a mirror again. You just might have to shower. Alot. So whenever put in a position where I have the opportunity to trade my self respect for something more tangible, say, kneeroom on a fifteen hour busride, nine times out of nine I will make that trade.
Posted by: JohnSanford | May 22, 2007 at 12:43 AM
Your self respect is a pretty amazing comodity, in that you will eventually get it back. No matter what you wake up next to, you will eventually be able to look at yourself in a mirror again. You just might have to shower. Alot. So whenever put in a position where I have the opportunity to trade my self respect for something more tangible, say, kneeroom on a fifteen hour busride, nine times out of nine I will make that trade.
Posted by: JohnSanford | May 22, 2007 at 12:43 AM
Welcome back. I bought your book when it first came out because of the great blurbs and opening it to a random spot and reading something that made me laugh. I found this blog because a friend of mine needed a laugh and I thought that your book would be just the thing which got me looking for info about anything new that might have been announced.
Sadly I found no new book forthcoming but I found this and it did inject a brief flash of light into an otherwise pointless and miserable day so thanks for that.
Anyway, I have two or three more people that I think would benefit from your book so I'll be sending a copy to them soon.
Posted by: E. S. Collins | May 22, 2007 at 07:40 AM
Ha Ha! Pure Genius man. An empty seat on the Greyhound Bus is a valuable thing. Even though no doubt the person in front of you reclined their seat and had no idea why it would only go so far back (its called the person behind you's knees).
Still looking banged up is a great idea while on mass transit.
Posted by: Joe Wheeler | May 27, 2007 at 08:46 AM
Always remember, gang: "Life" is a four-letter word.
Posted by: David Jack | May 28, 2007 at 11:23 AM