I'm Out

I've had a job for almost two months in a row now so it's time to quit and go on vacation. I'm headed over to Ireland to see my people and then I'm going to take some cheap flights around for a few weeks. I'll be back next month. The timing is kind of the worst though because it's right in the middle of the Stanley Cup playoffs and I'm going to miss a bunch of Rangers games, and I just found out I'm being evicted. They're turning my crappy old apartment building into condos and they gave everybody a month to get out. That gives me about a week to pack up and figure out where I'm going after I get back, so that should be funny.
While I'm gone somebody figure out what I can do with my summer and where I can live. I have two weddings to go to back in Jersey in September and I can easily mooch off my friends and family for like a month or two then, but I'll need something in between. Send me on a book tour or get me on a chain gang, as long as I've got a place to sleep I'm fine. And if you could have all the details figured out by the time I get back that would be really nice of you. Thanks..........Paul

Comments

[Jessica]

you should just move to Jersey. Or Manhattan. Temp here. I mean, its still temping but at least you're doing it in Manhattan. Then hey, you can drink away the pain with me and Kaitlin after work. That'd be fun. I'm jealous you're going to Ireland, I've always wanted to go there. Hope you have a good time. And if you can't get Rangers scores over there (though I'm sure you can) I promise to keep you posted.

[Brice]

No, come to Lincoln, Nebraska. Yes, it sucks, but a co-worker and I want you here. He went to your town on business a month ago and was going to kidnap you and bring you back here, but I think he got too drunk trying to calm his nerves before showing up at your door with the potato sack. He was sitting at the bar, contemplating his every move - should he ring the bell or knock, what he'd say as he pointed to make you suddenly look the other way, the force of which he would hit you with the tire iron, etc. He says he had it all planned out, then the next thing he remembered was waking up in a cab in front of his hotel. That guy's completely worthless. If I'd have gone, you'd be here now. Consider moving to Lincoln. We're only 3.5 hours from Kansas City. Yay!!!!!!!

[Patrick]

If you want a really boring place, come to Canada! No guns, low crime, lots of non watered down beer, frozen-over 8 months out of 12 (which are really depressing), rent is cheap in most places except for Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal and it is after all the country where hockey was created (I really don't know, I just made that up). Of course, there's all the immigration paperwork, and maybe some time in jail but you have to say that it would be a fine adventure! Cheers.............Patrick

[Jessica]

Hey brice, I have three points to make. 1: why on earth would someone move to Lincoln, Nebraska? 2: Was your litte kidnapping story supposed to persuede him? personally, it convinced ME (and I'm not the one you were threatening to kidnap) to stay as far from the state of Nebraska as possible. 3: Why would he move there to hang out with you, when he can move here and hang out with two intelligent, pretty, young girls? Well, Paul, it's your decision, but I'd say the right one would be to move to the Tri-State area. Besides all the perks of living here and Kaitin and me, we're also really far from Nebraska and the creepy stalkers that seem to inhabit it.

[Brice Sullivan]

In answer to you, Jessica:
1. It ain't Jersey.
2. It just shows how much he's wanted here. Everyone wants to be wanted.
3. Okay, well, maybe I'd pick two cute girls over a couple of sligthly overweight, but extremely handsome, hicks, but we're hardly creepy stalkers. We're just a couple guys with a dream - a dream of kidnapping our new favorite author and dragging him to the Midwest. When did it become wrong to chase your dreams?

[Kristin]

Just come to Jersey. You know its the black hole of the universe and is bound to suck you in eventually. I should know, I was born and raised here and oh...look, I am still here. I thought I could escape to Maine for college but couldn't afford tuition so had to come crawling back to my parents. Then I married an Englishman only to discover he wanted to live here because of NYC. So come and bask in the inescapable horror that is New Jersey. Perhaps you could help me work on my mental health since the lovely people here make me think of homicide so, I need to imbibe large quantities of alcohol to control my impulses.
Some perks for you maybe: 1) my husband is a chef and will cook for you, 2) I work for both a book store and a library so could hook up your writing career somehow, 3) I know a great Irish bar where the bartender does buy back and I am all about free drink (especially after I've already had a few).

[Patrick]

Man, just heard that the Rangers got kicked out of the playoffs. Sucks for you. Go Sens Go!.................Patrick

[JohnSanford]

I would just like to state for the record that your book is honestly the funniest book I've ever read. I bought it just before leaving for Boot Camp, mostly for the cover, to be honest, which I actually would like to get a tattoo of, and I've read it just shy of a dozen times since then. And I wasn't alowed to read for three months, so that says alot. I've read Apathy more than any other book except Catcher In The Rye. I'm waiting for you to write another book. Just felt it had to be said.

[Jessica]

Hey there, I'm back yet again to comment further, not on Pauls entry but on other comments. Paul, you should feel very special...you've got your own little social networking arena. Anyway, I'm replying to both Brice and Kristin. First:
Brice: Darling. I do understand your need to be close to a living breathing literary idol, especially out there in...Nebraska. I, for one, know what its like to live somewhere that perhaps 30% of the american population doesn't even realize is a state in their own country. I grew up in Maine. And while it was cool to live in the same state as Stephen King, we never really got to hang out even after my numerous attempts to leave him gifts on his front lawn and notes stating how I wanted him all to myself, to love cherish and to hold. HAH that was a joke. Uh so, you know...I understand your longing and need to chase that dream. I also understand your dreary reference to the state of New Jersey. Personally I am in the process of hightailing it out of that nasty place. I myself only moved there because of the "easy" commute into NYC. It's a rotten place to live, save for the cheap gas prices which I don't benefit from anyway as I am a grateful pulic commuter. But, my point is that I moved away from Maine, the land of fishermen and paper plants, to go where opportunity lies. And what kind of opportunity could possily await in Nebraska? Besides that of being able to chit chat with you nebraskan folk, complaining about the lack of activity, or even human life. You guys should move out here too. I just dont understand people who live out in the middle of nowhere, it seems like such a stagnant life to me. Hey, if you're happy though, you know...cheers. Like I said, I just don't see the point.

Kristin: As I mentioned to Brice, I used to live in Maine. Again, i can't understand why someone would flee here to be there. Yes, its a beautiful place to live. And its a helluva lot nicer than the swamplands I like to call Jersey. So thats where I understand your husbands need to dwell somewhere close to NYC and still be able to afford rent without selling your kidneys on the black market. Which, as most newcomers to the metropolitan area are starting to realize about the great swamp state, is something I had thought of as well. I just cant stand to live there anymore. I'm actually sorry you had to grow up here. Anyway I just felt the need to reply to you, considering you know the Maine area and the Jersey area I sort of felt a kinship after reading your comment.

And this may very well be the longest comment I have ever posted to anyone ever. In closing, Paul, I still feel strongly about at least relocating to the general vicinity of New York City. Life, while its tough, is just better here.

Jess

[Paul Neilan]

Yeah I don't know what's going on with this comments page. I like how you were all brawling and then came together in peace and praise of me at the end. Where were all the pretty girls, free booze and personal chefs when I was living in Jersey goddammit. You're killling me.

And yeah Patrick I'm still heartbroken over the Rangers. I hope the Senators mop up the Sabres and then I don't care what happens. I am dead inside until next season.

Hey John thanks. If you do get a tattoo of the cover send me a picture, as long as it's not on your nuts or anything horrific.

And I'm actually kind of touched by the kidnapping plot there Brice. I sometimes get people showing up at my door with tire irons and potato sacks but it's usually because I owe them money or I used to date their sister. Kidnapping would be a refreshing change.........Paul

[Kristin]

Jessica,
Ok, wait, you said that New Jersey is swampland? I do hope you are referring to the southern part of the state and not the putrid landfill called the Meadowlands? And yes, there are actual swamps just not in the northern part of the toilet state, I mean New Jersey. Oh and thanks for your sympathy at my having grown up here, I often shed a tear or two for myself from time to time. The thing that I am finding now is that the rent in northern Jersey is approaching sadistic to the point that only millionaires will be able to afford housing in the slums of Paterson and Passaic. But I don't think I will ever leave. Like I said, it is the black hole of the universe and is destined to suck anyone back in who thinks they have made it out into the light.
p.s. the one thing I don't miss about Maine was the paper mill smell. Holy crap, I thought I had smelled some nasty things in my life(insert appropriate joke about New Jersey here) but paper mills take some beating!

[Brandon]

I've just read every post, and it kinda creeped me out. First, great book. It's one of my favorites, and I've been passing the book around to everyone I can meet. They all agree.

But I've lived in all the places that were mentioned, except Canada -- But from some time in Toronto, I can tell you it's a Creepy America. But Maine is the best place to be, followed by Nebraska. So what I'm trying to say is let's all go to college in Maine.