It's Not A Hate Crime If You Do It In Glue

Yeah sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. It's just been really hard since we lost Anna Nicole. I've also been working. I was at this temp job where I had to paste worksheets inside manilla folders with a glue stick all day. That was what I did. The worst part was when the dude actually "trained" me on how to do it. I had to stand there and watch him scribble glue on a folder, then press the paper down on top. He did three of them before he turned to me and said "Think you got the hang of it?" and I was like "I know how to use a glue stick." He said "Great!" like he was really excited for me and impressed by my skill set. Then he said "Any questions and I'm in the next cubicle over." The only question I had was "Are you fucking kidding me?" but I didn't want to talk to him anymore, so I just closed my eyes until he left.

At first I scribbled the glue like the dude had taught me, but then I started messing around and playing tic tac toe with myself. But I'd get too ashamed every time I lost, even though I was winning too. The duality of man is a lot harder to face when you realize that half of you is a dumbass capable of repeatedly losing at tic tac toe. So then I wrote messages like "I Hate This" or "Fear Me" or "You Are Ugly" or "Repent! Repent!" and eventually I started drawing pentagrams and racist caricatures of my co-workers, just to pass the time. It was a victimless crime though because once I slapped the worksheet on top you couldn't see what I'd done underneath. Unless you held the folder up to a flourescent light apparently. Then whatever you've drawn in glue and despair is clearly visible. So yeah I don't work there anymore...........Paul

Comments

[Amy]

It's a good thing that you have stopped working in a place where you had to resort to using glue stick as a form of silent revenge. I just wanted to post a comment so I could say that I have read your wonderful book, Apathy and Other Small Victories. It insured the fact that there are apathetic people like me out here in this doomed world, that "normal" people simply care too much about dumb things like going to a stranger's funeral instead of doing something fun like stealing salt shakers. Thanks.

[Kaitlin]

Paul,
As usual, your style of writing and the way your mind works doesn't cease to completely enthrall me. Nice job with the glue sticks. I know it's a hard skill to master, but you seem to have flourished.

[Paul Neilan]

Hey thanks. And yeah I'm very proud of all I was able to accomplish. I finally feel qualified to give a career day talk at my niece's preschool. They play with glue sticks there too.........Paul

[Jessica]

Paul,

I have now but only a small insight into the world you know so well, the magical world of temping. I started temping recently and my friend, Kaitlin, tells me that its an absolute necessity that I read your book and your blog so that I know someone out there is enduring the same agonizing pain that I am. I know, I'm making it seem like I'm being slaughtered in battlefields rather than sitting in a chair with no lumbar support in a stuffy office. But, wouldn't you rather be slain in battle, dying with some dignity, than have people know that you died of sheer boredom in an office where all you did was staple the same five pieces of paper together all day? But, we still do it, right? Because for some reason these companies pay 15 bucks an hour to get their junk filed away, or have photocopies made. OR to have people play with gluesticks (that one, I did that one too) I just needed you to know that I laughed at every post I have read, and now I know that when I'm at the office next week I will check back to them to brighten my day just a little. And you can be sure I'll be borrowing the book from Kaitlin soon. You rock my world man.

[Patrick]

That is so sad, I think I welling up here. I am sure with your book now being published, you could be copy editing or ghost writing instead of "temping". No that any of those jobs would fulfill one of your childhood dreams, but I'm sure can be a tad more interesting that playing with gluesticks (or not I guess). On the upside, it makes for excellent blogging material and possibly some novel material as well. My new quote will now be: "At least, I'm not temping..." Cheers...........Patrick

[Jessica]

Oh. God.

I need salvation. I am currently in the final hour of my first day at a temp job from hell. It wouldn't be so bad if they'd not forgotten that I was coming in and actually taking over for one of their administrative assitants. Wouldn't have been all that terrible if they hadn't forgotten to assign me all the freaking accounts and passwords I need to gain access to all their stupid applications in order to actually do any work. All they had for me was a username and password to be able to log on the computer, but nothing that would allow me to really do anything. Cut to me sitting in front of the computer, no internet, no files to file, no papers to glue...and on the first day of a very strict diet so I cant even raid the vending machine for periodical entertainment...ready to blow my brains all over the cubicle wall. Finally I was smart enough to sift through all the damn papers and notes the previous temp had left me and found her old login info for the internet. Boy was I excited when I thought I'd be able to at least check my email, but no...every website I have ever visited in my life is blocked on this company's system. EVERY ONE OF THEM, except yours! I was so excited to see your page actually load I almost shed a tear. Almost. You, Paul, need to keep writing because this is a long term temp job and yours is the only entertaining site I can visit during the 8 hours of hell I am here. You are my salvation...seriously. Since you dont blog every day, and god knows I'll need some new reading material at least once every day, I guess I'll have to get on that whole "reading your book" thing. In the meantime, I feel like I can figure out a way to hack through their protective little system. Its nice to have goals, even when you're a temp. And hey, we're friends on myspace now. Makes me proud. Ciao

Jess

[Paul Neilan]

I'm nervous about being your salvation so close to Easter. If I get crucified on Friday I'm going to be pissed........Paul

[Jessica]

you know what easter is to me? a day when I can eat lots of cadbury chocolate without guilt. so i wouldn't worry. Oh and the best part about this holiday, today is Good Friday so I get to leave at 3 instead of 5...more time for me to go drink away the memory of working here. And...my salvation no longer rests only on your shoulders, I have my own blog that I write in now that seems to help. But thanks anyway for the comic relief

[Jake]

I'm almost positive this post is a year late... but if there is so much temping going around then "MARTHA *JESUS* DIED IN VAIN!!"

[Spencer Dewispealere]

Paul you were always the one who gave good idea's during work hours, too bad I'm stuck in high school but that will give me some kicks when it's time.