Yeah It's Tomorrow

I meant to say something about this much earlier but I've got a reading tomorrow, Thursday the 26th. It's at the 540 Club on 540 Clement St. at 8 pm. Yeah it's the same bar I was at around this time last year. I'd feel like kind of a dumb ass reading the exact same sections from the same goddamn book all over again, but I have no memory of the last reading so that won't be a problem. I was all banged up. Just in case though I'm going to try out a few pages from the new thing I'm working on and see what happens. It really could go either way. If you're in San Francisco come on by..........Paul

I Haven't Been Murdered Yet

Yeah I'm still around. Sorry I haven't posted anything in like six months. Now that the Rangers are out of the playoffs my life finally feels empty enough to start blogging again. They got knocked out yesterday by the Pittsburgh Penguins. It was a travesty of a series and the refs stole at least two games, but you have to give the Penguins some credit. Anybody who says women can't compete with men in professional sports has never seen Sydney Crosby play hockey. Seriously, she's amazing.

But thanks to everybody who wrote email or left comments here saying how disappointed you were in me that I wasn't putting up anything new. Imagine feeling that way every day for thirty years and you'll have some small idea of what it's like to be my parents. God help them.

So I went for an interview at a temp agency a while back--it hurts deep, deep inside--and after doing the simple math and square peg go in square hole skills tests I had to sit through a mandatory video on sexual harassment that was narrated by a guy with the fakest British accent I've ever heard pretending to be Sherlock Holmes. I'm totally fucking serious. He had on this big trench coat and a ridiculous hat and he was wandering around a bunch of cubicles and chewing on a big plastic pipe and saying things like "What do you do if someone makes an inappropriate comment to you in the workplace? Elementary my dear Watson, contact your supervisor immediately. There's no mystery there!" This went on for about three hours. It feels good to be back............Paul

ps--But check this out right here. Someone who claims to not be my mom set up a MySpace page for Apathy. Go jump on my tiny, tiny bandwagon right now.

I Live In San Francisco Now

Hey how's it going? Yeah sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. It's been a ragged couple of months. In August I took all my stuff out of storage in Portland and drove it down to California. That's when I found out that everything I own including furniture could fit inside a rented Nissan Sentra, which is like a budget clown car for midgets. I have very little. It's kind of good in a Buddhist sort of way I guess but I'm from America so it might be depressing, I'm not sure.

After sleeping on my friend's couch for a few weeks I finally found a place in San Francisco, and I had to buy some chairs so I went to the Office Max down the street. I worked in an Office Max back in Jersey one summer. My favorite memory is of the time my boss asked me to take a floor model desk set out behind the dumpster and break it into pieces with a hammer. There was some minor flaw in the wood and it couldn't be sold. When I asked him why I had to destroy it he said "So no one else can have it." It was one of those sad and important life lessons that stays with you even though you don't want it to. I left the store without buying anything--not because of my conscience really, it was more that the dude behind the counter was prohibitively ugly and I didn't feel like waiting in line--but then a few days later I found two chairs on a street corner for free. If there's a moral in the story I have no idea what it is, but at least I don't have to sit on the floor anymore.

And look at me, I'm going to be reading at Wordstock in Portland, Oregon this weekend, Sunday the 11th at 5:00 pm. It's a big literary festival with lots of good writers and I'm going to read some pages from Apathy and maybe a tiny section from the new thing I'm working on--world premier son!--so if you're in town come on by. And even more important than that the day before is my birthday. Whether you show for the reading or not, you should probably buy me a present either way. Thanks...........Paul

I'm Reading Again

So the place where I used to live in Portland was kind of a mess, but it was one block away from a cupcake store and two blocks from a movie theater that served beer, which is probably the closest I'll ever come to my own version of manifest destiny. It's where I wrote Apathy, and it's also where I found a dead rat in my garbage can the night I came home from that trip I took and then got evicted. And yeah the reason I'm getting nostalgic is I have a reading this Tuesday, the 14th, in Powell's on Burnside at 7:30 pm. It's right down the street from my old apartment and it's one of my favorite bookstores in the world, so the fact that I'll be reading in there is kind of ridiculous. If I was a different person I'd say it was special, but I really don't have that kind of sincerity in me. I like to save up all my emotions for hockey season.

I'm only blowing through town--I have to get back because my sublet is up in Berkeley at the end of the week and I need to move my stuff out and find another place to live, and I also have to get a job and all this other nonsense I'd rather not think about--but after the reading I'm going to head over to the Low Brow Lounge and hope some people come with me so I can mooch drinks off them. They have Guinness on tap and hot pretzels, which will probably end up being my dinner unfortunately, so if you're in Portland come on by and say hello............Paul

Come See Me Fall Down

So I was going to write a big post about how the BART trains in Berkeley--it stands for Bay Area Rapid Transit apparently--whenever they're just about to come to a full stop all make a sound like that part in Come Sail Away by Styx right before the weird whale song synthesizer breakdown ends and the guitar kicks back in and it starts to rule again, which always reminds me of the first episode of Freaks and Geeks when Sam is at the dance at the end, so that I'm all fired up but also close to weeping every time I get on the train, and if only public transportation was this emotional for more people everyone would take it instead of driving. But then after I finished watching Scrubs something called Victoria Beckham: Coming to America came on and it robbed me of my will to live. I just don't understand how she gets a show. Being the most attractive Spice Girl is like being the most apologetic German at Nuremberg. You really shouldn't get any credit for it, no matter how handsome of a dude you marry afterwards.

I was looking through the journal I kept when I took that trip a while back and I saw this announcement I heard while I was in George Bush airport in Houston: "Any inappropriate comments or jokes about security may result in your arrest." At first I assumed I was just messing around and made it up, but I must have known I wouldn't believe myself because there was a note next to the quote: "They just said this over the loudspeaker. You didn't make it up." God bless America. I also found two creepy pictures that I took while I was in Germany. I'll post them once I find a scanner so they can haunt your nightmares the same way they've been haunting mine.

But check this out. Yeah I have a reading next Thursday, July 26th, at 7 pm in San Francisco. It's through Green Apple Books at a place called the 540 Club--which is a bar--so the odds of a travesty where I fall down at some point and get hurt real bad are extraordinarily high. Come on out, because if nobody shows up I'm going to look like an ass...........Paul

Buy This Book

So that book I wrote, Apathy And Other Small Victories, is out in paperback. You should hurry up and buy it right now. Go! Here are some reasons why:

Buy it for the Christian fundamentalist in your life. It will make them furious. There's a guy blowing his head off on the cover for christ's sake.

Buy it for some kid who graduated last month instead of Oh The Places You'll Go. They're not going anywhere and both of you know it. Neither of you is fooling anyone with your fucking cartoons. It's insulting. Buy them this book instead.

Buy it somebody who’s a big fan of the Jim Belushi sitcom According To Jim, then use it to beat them into a coma. I was going to suggest this when the hardcover came out, but I was afraid the sharp edges might accidentally kill someone and I wanted to give them a chance to think about the horrible choices they’d made in life while they slept it off. If they’re still a fan of the show when they wake up, I’ll send you the hardcover for free.

Buy it for someone who doesn't know how to read and say "Hey dumb ass, too bad you can't read. You'd really like this book." You can shame them into literacy if you try hard enough. It might work.

Buy this book even if you bought the hardcover. The ending to this version is totally different and there are three new chapters and a heartbreaking introduction written by Kurt Vonnegut right before he died. And even if none of that is true and it’s the same goddamn book you’ve already read just with a flimsier cover, my picture’s not on the back of this one so you can imagine it was written by someone much more attractive, like I do with you when we make out. Aww girl, you know I’m only playing. Don’t be like that. Damn.

Buy it for your step mom, since you didn’t buy her anything for Mother's Day. She won't be sure how to react. Then when she says "Oh....Thank you," say "Go fuck yourself Sharon. I hate you." She's not your real mom. Who cares what she thinks? Your dad never should have married her.

Buy it for a friend of yours that you don't really like and say "The dentist guy really reminded me of you." Or Mobo, or the deaf girl. You can use any character and it will still be mean. Everyone in this book is a mess, and your friend will never know if you were being serious. It's passive aggressive and fun.

Buy it for your 90-year-old grandmother. You can even pretend that you wrote it if you want. Say "Look Nanna! My first novel was just published. Isn't that great!" She'll have no idea what you're talking about. The woman's insane. Bring over some cake and party hats. She'll think it's her birthday. Give the old girl a thrill. Go see Nanna right now.

Buy this book and don’t even read it. Throw it in the garbage or set it on fire in your backyard. Shove it up your ass for all I care. I’m still getting paid. Yeah now who’s laughing? And take my book out of your ass you fucking weirdo. You’re making us both uncomfortable.

Buy it for some woman you know who's going through menopause. You don't know what else to get her, or if giving a Happy Menopause gift is even appropriate. This way you can just hand her the book and be like "Uh, here." Then get the hell out of there and never mention it again. How did you even know she's going through menopause? Did you ask her about it or something? Is that what you two talk about? Gross dude.

Buy it for your boyfriend or husband as a belated Father's Day present, especially if you don't have any kids and aren't pregnant. Just give it to him and say "I know it’s late, but so was I. Happy Father's Day." He'll be like "What?" and when he looks at you put your hands on your belly and smile and say “I wanted to be sure.” The expression on his face will be worth it. Then watch as he looks down at the cover and imagines himself as the one with the gun to his head. Then fuck off for using my book as a sight gag. That's why he's cheating on you, because you always do shit like this.

Buy it with the money you would have spent on fast food, fat ass. Have you seen that McDonald's breakfast commercial where they say "Wake up and smell your life"? They're telling you that your life smells like an egg McMuffin with double meat. They're openly mocking you. Buy this book and serve notice that you won't stink of them. Not today.

Buy this book for anyone you know who cries in the shower, who drinks in the morning, whose life only has meaning when they're asleep and dreaming that they're somebody else. They will find comfort here. And if they don't, it's not your fault. They've always been this way. Some people are just all banged up. Good for you for trying to help. You're a great person. Give yourself a hand............Paul

Look What You Made Me Do

Hey thanks to everybody who left a comment on that last post. I'd put you all on the payroll except I have no cash. I liked reading about how people first found out about the book though. It was like watching a Behind the Music special about myself after I'd just died. And it's good to know I'm on the recommended list over at Chuck Palahniuk's site. I was supposed to stalk him up in Portland and see if I could get him to say something nice about Apathy but I was way too afraid. I figured I'd just start crying if I met him. Yeah that story Guts still hurts my feelings. I get a little sad every time I go swimming, but I have started eating a lot more carrots, so I guess that's something.

But check it out, I set up a Facebook page because you told me to. Unfortunately I have no idea how to work it. Am I supposed to join a network or something? Is there any way I can just let everybody see it or what do you do with this nonsense? Right now I'm in the San Francisco network I think, and I put the first chapter of the book up, but I have no idea how to link to it and I have no friends. I am humiliated.

I've got a MySpace page and I put the first chapter up there too. It looks like there might be a reading or two coming up this summer. I'll let you know when I get some details. And the book comes out in paperback tomorrow, so I might actually put a post up two days in a row. Unprecedented..........Paul

Me And Naked People

Yeah I'm still sleeping on my friend's couch but I think I want to live in Berkeley for the summer and maybe longer. It seems like a weird enough scene and all the homeless people are really nice. That's what I look for when I'm deciding where to live. This way I know it'll be easy to make friends whenever I get evicted again.

A few weekends back I did this thing called Bay to Breakers in San Francisco. It's a 12 km race but nobody actually runs it except for a few guys from Kenya. Everybody else gets dressed up in ridiculous costumes and throws tortillas and pulls booze wagons and gets wrecked as they walk down the street. It's like a big parade of nonsense. I started with a backpack full of beer and about three minutes in a random girl came off the sidewalk and slapped a nametag on my chest that said "Crack Whore". That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day.

I saw guys in banana suits being chased by somebody in a gorilla costume, and I saw a bunch of people in jean cutoffs carrying a "Nevernude: 'There are literally dozens of us!'" banner which made me happy for the rest of the day. And there was a lot of naked people walking around too. My friend had warned me about it, but the first one I actually saw was when I was watching these guys pour shots down the huge block of ice they were towing and when one of them said "Who's next?" I heard somebody yell "Give it to the naked guy!" And sure enough there was a full blown naked dude standing there with no pants on and everything. He had to squat down to do the shot and it was like the sum total of every horrific car accident I've ever seen. Yeesh. There were a couple of naked women walking around but one of them was really old, so that pretty much cancelled out everybody else. She was also very proud of her hairless body, and I got hit with an utterly full frontal shot as I turned around, so I'll be dealing with those flashbacks for the rest of my goddamn life. christ.

There was a guy holding a sign that said "God Hates Drunkards, Fornicaters" and a bunch of other stuff that people were either already doing or were obviously planning to do, and he just stood there in the middle of the street as everyone streamed past him. Because there's really no better way to spread Jesus's message of love than to tell your listeners how much his dad already hates them. As I was going past a bunch of people started throwing tortillas at him, which was the kind of absurd stoning that you'd have to think Jesus would get a kick out of, no matter what denomination he really is. It was a good time all around.

But hey now, Apathy is coming out in paperback later this month and I need to figure out how to make more people read it so I don't have to get another temp job and be sad all the time, so where did all of you hear about it and what made you pick it up in the first place? I'm guessing "Max Barry" is the answer to both of those questions for a lot of people--God bless that guy, every day--but where else, and how can I exploit that to make more people do the same? Basically I want you to come up with a guerilla marketing plan for me so I don't have to do it myself. I'm too busy marching in naked parades to do that kind of thing. I thought about organizing a National I Don't Care About Anything Day where employees just sleep in the bathroom at work and get nothing done, but I feel like most people already do that anyway. Steal A Salt Shaker Day was another idea, or June could be Get Framed For A Deaf Lady's Murder month, but I feel like I might get in trouble for that one.........Paul

I'm Back

Yeah so the big trip was a ridiculous scene. I went to Ireland and Budapest and a couple other places--I almost died one night in Berlin but I can't really talk about it until my legal team assures me that I can't be extradited--and when I got back I was almost immediately thrown out of my apartment. White on white gentrification is just so sad. It's like that "First they came for the communists..." poem except much worse because it happened to me.

I wound up taking a Greyhound out of Portland down to San Francisco. I forgot how luxurious a 15 hour bus ride could be. When I used to ride it all the time I had a Greyhound Face I'd put on whenever I had an empty seat next to me and there were people still getting on. I'd mess up my hair and push my glasses down to the end of my nose and stick out my front teeth like I had a massive overbite and leave my mouth hanging open like an old man with a sad neurological condition. Then I'd look everybody in the face as they got on the bus and stare at them until they walked past me and sat somewhere else. Nobody wants to get stuck next to a banged up guy on an overnight bus ride. You just need to have the will and a big gaping hole where your dignity should be to pull it off. It takes something out of you, the looks you get from girls when you're pretending to be retarded, but that extra seat is precious goddammit and I need my rest.

It worked every time except for this one trip when a dude got on who was making pretty much the exact same face I was, only he wasn't pretending. He looked at me like "I have a brother!" and sat right down beside me and started talking about his favorite animals, then later he fell asleep on my shoulder and snored like a fucking jackhammer the entire night. It was kind of sweet in an utterly depressing way. This time the bus was mostly empty though, so I was all right...........Paul

I'm Out

I've had a job for almost two months in a row now so it's time to quit and go on vacation. I'm headed over to Ireland to see my people and then I'm going to take some cheap flights around for a few weeks. I'll be back next month. The timing is kind of the worst though because it's right in the middle of the Stanley Cup playoffs and I'm going to miss a bunch of Rangers games, and I just found out I'm being evicted. They're turning my crappy old apartment building into condos and they gave everybody a month to get out. That gives me about a week to pack up and figure out where I'm going after I get back, so that should be funny.
While I'm gone somebody figure out what I can do with my summer and where I can live. I have two weddings to go to back in Jersey in September and I can easily mooch off my friends and family for like a month or two then, but I'll need something in between. Send me on a book tour or get me on a chain gang, as long as I've got a place to sleep I'm fine. And if you could have all the details figured out by the time I get back that would be really nice of you. Thanks..........Paul